Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Randomize
