Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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