her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
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