she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
