Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Randomize
