I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
