My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Randomize
