There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
