I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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