I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Randomize
