You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
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this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
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