i've decided that sluttiness is like a disease, it can lay dormant in you for years and then one day you go to college and with all the booze and drugs and boys and time on your hands symptoms begin to show then one day BAM you're a huge slut. it's like how izzie had skin cancer and it grew into brain cancer.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize