Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
