I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
