I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
