what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize