well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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