there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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