I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
you traded sex for a burrito?
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
