He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
