1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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