when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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