Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
