I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
It's blow job season.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Randomize
