So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize