meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Randomize
