I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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