Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Randomize
