plz talk dirty to me
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
