i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
