i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
