I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Randomize