i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Randomize