Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Randomize
