Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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