Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
