Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
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