he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Randomize
