some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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