On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
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