I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Randomize
