Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Randomize
