God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
tell me about the fingering
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
