Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize