this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
two words...techno handjob
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
