why didn't you poke me back
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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