I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
