like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize