my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize