The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
