I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
