HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Randomize
