We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
