Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
