Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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