I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
