the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
