Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
God, I missed his penis.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
