Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
