dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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