Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
