You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
