He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
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