yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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