found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
